I want to be a real work slave for someone and I am 100% serious, honest, and real. What I’m basically looking for is a guy who wants me to do all of his chores (cleaning, dishes, laundry, yard work, clean car, etc) while you relax AND I will pay you cash for your time. I am not kidding and I am mentally sane, and not weird or psycho. Ever since I learned about slavery in school I wanted to be one…I decided it was time to act on it. I just really like the idea of being submissive to someone and making their life easier. I don’t expect or want any help….and, yes, I will pay you in cash by the hour.

I want nothing sexual from this arrangement AT ALL. So if you reply, I’d prefer that you’re straight (so that there is no possibility for anything weird or sexual).

Send me an email if you’re interested and we can talk more….

http://cleveland.craigslist.org/cas/1787780463.html,

Looking for a Carl Spackler to rip up a small square of 20×40 SOD, kill a golfer, and remove the debris. Please email hourly rate or total wanted for the job.
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/lbg/1788638175.html

Note from the user who submitted this ad: uh, I think he wants to kill a GOPHER, not a GOLFER but hey – it’s CL – who knows?!!!

I am seeking a professional driver who would be able to get me out of any “tight” situations that I may encounter.

Because of the nature of my business I have many enemies.

-Must be armed, preferably with fully automatic weapons
-Must be able to speak multiple languages, English and Russian are a must.
-Must be bald and be able to kick ass, preferably a black belt.
-Special Forces training and combat experience also desired.

Preferablly homosexual, or atleast bi and looking for a little more than just a job. But remember, I’m in charge, and you’ll take it that like the bitch you are.

I want a man that is rough and tough and can save the day, but later on in the day lay in bed and cuddle with me and be compasionate.

http://allentown.craigslist.org/trp/1794166122.html

Over the last 3 years, I have offered to help women get pregnant, exclusively through artificial insemination, and many have successfully had children, using my sperm. I offer this at no cost, including an artificial insemination kit, simply because I find it to be one of the most profoundly meaningful uses of my time.

I am 5′ 10″, Caucasian, with black hair and brown eyes, in good shape, and disease-free. My main genetic advantages are my extremely high IQ and that living past 90 seems to run in my family. Additionally, conceiving with the sperm of a male in his early twenties significantly decreases the chances of miscarriages, premature births, autism, schizophrenia, and even the likelihood of a grown daughter to get breast cancer and a grown son to get prostate cancer (Google “paternal age effect”).

It really makes me happy to help people in such a meaningful way, so please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions, or if you would like to meet.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/m4w/1801159479.html

Are your career-minded grown up children holding out on you in the grandkids department? Or maybe you’re disappointed in little Timmy’s grades? Want someone to be proud off? Then we’ve got the solution for you – our super gifted daughter!

Our 9 year old daughter has been accepted into a private school for highly-gifted children but we just can’t afford the tuition fees and neither can our family. Our only choice is too seek a ‘new’ family member that can help; so we are looking for a rich grandparent to “adopt” our daughter and help her get the education she deserves.

A bit about your new granddaughter: She is a curious and intelligent girl with a passion for learning. A keen reader who can plough through many books in an afternoon. She is a big fan of Greek mythology and dinosaurs and could talk to you about these topics endlessly.

Admittedly she’s no starving African child but the traditional school system has left her isolated and unable to reach her true potential. This new school is really great. Seriously, it’s like the one from X-Men! Not that she can move furniture with her mind or anything (yet!).

This place will challenge her mentally, support her emotionally and integrate her socially with children just like her. It’s exactly what she needs and we hope to give her this opportunity. Or rather: we hope YOU’LL give her this opportunity.

We need $23,500 just to pay the tuition fees for 2010 to 2011 academic year. Plus other costs for uniforms, school trips etc. Our daughter is rich in heart and mind but poor in wallet. We seek a “grandparent” rich in all three.

By becoming a “grandparent” you will get the following:

• Photo of you with your new granddaughter
• Handmade birthday & Christmas present
• Copy of school reports
• Trip to the library where she will ignore you to read her favorite books.
• Invite to her birthday party
• Join us on the school run one day and ask her about her day at school.
• Family picnic
• Supervised visit (provided you live in Los Angeles)
• Drawing by granddaughter
• 4 family outings to free museums in LA
• Disneyland outing – but no scary rides
• Parent’s evening updates
• Birthday party invite
• Attend a school run trip
• 4 supervised visits (Los Angeles only)
• Greek mythology lesson
• Family hike
• School events invite
• Baked vegan goods by mom
• Manly choirs by dad like mow your lawn (but not in hayfever season)
• Monthly lunch at our apartment
• See and feed our daughter’s pet lizard.

Get more info on this, or how to become and “auntie” or “uncle” instead here: http://www.indiegogo.com/Wanted-Loving-Rich-Grandparent

Note from the user who submitted this ad: Funny ad asking for a rich grandparent.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/com/1809936902.html

Looking for clean cut transport driver (ie. no facial hair, no visible tattoos, no piercings). Driver will wear presentable suit in every transport. Driving record must be clean. No Points. Long hours, 12-24 hour shifts plus holidays. Driver must be able to lift 150pds plus. Must pass background check. Communication skills is vital including good grammar, bilingual is a plus. Piece work( pay per transport), no hourly pay, take home van. Starting pay is $18 per body in Orange County and Los Angeles, some transports outside of LA & OC pay more. Driver will pick up deceased from convelscent homes, residential and hospitals to then transport to mortuary. No experience necessary, no experience a plus, will train. Please contact via phone 714-901-7399 Ask for Jay. PLEASE LIVE IN NORTH ORANGE COUNTY.

http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/trp/1811159369.html

I know that you were outrageously pissed at me today when I cut you off at the off ramp in Rancho Cucamonga. I was feeling confident listening to “Forgot About Dre” when I glanced in my mirror and I made the determination that I had plenty of space to merge over to the left lane. It was a costly mistake, as I assume you had to slam on the brakes to avoid an accident (thank you, btw). You weren’t shy about expressing your emotions about my minor mistake. You switched lanes and pulled up next to me to flip me off and scream at me through your (rolled-up) window. Even when I turned down my radio, I couldn’t hear what you were saying – probably cursing I would assume. In the future, if someone does that to you, roll down the window and really let them have it.
In an ironic turn of events, I was on my way to take my driving exam, (because a friend said it was easier in Rancho Cucamonga). Well if you see this- you win. I am a bad driver….I didn’t get my driver’s license. I just thought you should know that I won’t be sharing the road with you again for quite some time. Good day to you sir.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/com/1811403793.html

Keep Killian Skarr out of jail sale! Price reduced to $6,666 on this unique piece of functional art. This is the same sculpture that was featured at this years “Dirty show 11″ and in the upcoming issue of “Secret magazine”. And as a special dispensation to New York buyers, Killian Skarr will hand deliver the Nihilophiliac Cuddlebunny at no additional cost. Call 440-666-07XX with any questions or to commission your own primitive torture device.

1.) “The Devils Sling””*
2.) “Friendly Mr. Skarrington””*
3.) “Angry Professor Scythian”””*
4.) “Nihilophiliac Cuddle-bunny”””
5.) “Slut Machine: I””
• This authentic replication of a -Primitive Torture Device- dates originally from circa 666 B.C.E, and was used by the invading hordes of Scythians to disembowel and rape, in that order, the opposing tribes’ women,
• it went by various names in the Middle Ages including (see above),
• was owned for a time by the Royal Academy of Natural Philosophy until 1666 when it was confiscated in the name of the Inquisition for use upon pain of death as Thomas Hobbes’sentence for the charge of blasphemy after the publication of Leviathan,
• it was rediscovered during the excavation of the C.E.R.N. Large Hadron Collider Site in Switzerland,
• and is fully functional for a capacity of no more than 160 lbs.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/atq/1834914012.html

A joint Soviet-American crew created this washer and dryer. Their mission was to investigate how the washer’s gravitational orbit revolves around your laundry to disperse and disappear dirt that is locked away in the fabric. Propelled by alien rockets, this interplanetary spacecraft is very advanced. Due to its fascinating spinning speed at amazing velocities a large content of water gets expelled leaving you laundry almost dry at the end of each cycle. The dyer specializes in harvesting solar rays to improve it’s drying capacity to over 300 %. These washer and dryer will take on dangerous missions that will never end in failure and destroy many kinds of indigenous life forms created by 2 year olds. But do not worry, they are not designed to probe you or your family members (with the exceptions of pets and other alien animals) to learn about the truth of humankind. Call me for more information about this fascinating piece of equipment.

http://dallas.craigslist.org/ndf/app/1840547298.html

Insult Comic needed for Comedy Event:
For an event scheduled the San Fernando Valley for August 28th [Saturday] from 7 to midnight. We are looking for a comic well versed in general insults and racial comedy.

Position Description:
The position will require you to dress as a clown in “Black Face” [All races welcome] while delivering random derogatory remarks towards black people while you walk from table to table in a nightclub setting. You are expected to take on the persona of a “seriously racist and angry clown”. You will also hand crudely fashioned balloon animals while telling vulgar mother and father jokes to the attendees. You will be closely followed and guarded by a camera crew during your performance. You are expected to be WAY OVER THE TOP and outrageous. This role is generally lots of fun, imagine a job where you can tell off the customers – this is your chance !

The event will be for the Jiggaboo Jones release of the “Compton Cookout DVD” which sparked a racial firestorm on the Campus of UCSD earlier this year. Major media outlets will be in attendance. You may be required to talk to media during the event, must be comfortable with talking to the press, celebrities and members of the general public. For more information visit: jiggaboojones.com

Your audition, training, performance and public statements will be included on the DVD featurette and can include full credit in IMDB [upon request].
This event rewards you with free food, alcohol & $200 CASH for a total of 4 hours of your time.
Interested persons only send email to get complete details.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/tlg/1756326952.html,