I want to be a real work slave for someone and I am 100% serious, honest, and real. What I’m basically looking for is a guy who wants me to do all of his chores (cleaning, dishes, laundry, yard work, clean car, etc) while you relax AND I will pay you cash for your time. I am not kidding and I am mentally sane, and not weird or psycho. Ever since I learned about slavery in school I wanted to be one…I decided it was time to act on it. I just really like the idea of being submissive to someone and making their life easier. I don’t expect or want any help….and, yes, I will pay you in cash by the hour.

I want nothing sexual from this arrangement AT ALL. So if you reply, I’d prefer that you’re straight (so that there is no possibility for anything weird or sexual).

Send me an email if you’re interested and we can talk more….

http://cleveland.craigslist.org/cas/1787780463.html,

Looking for a Carl Spackler to rip up a small square of 20×40 SOD, kill a golfer, and remove the debris. Please email hourly rate or total wanted for the job.
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/lbg/1788638175.html

Note from the user who submitted this ad: uh, I think he wants to kill a GOPHER, not a GOLFER but hey – it’s CL – who knows?!!!

I am seeking a professional driver who would be able to get me out of any “tight” situations that I may encounter.

Because of the nature of my business I have many enemies.

-Must be armed, preferably with fully automatic weapons
-Must be able to speak multiple languages, English and Russian are a must.
-Must be bald and be able to kick ass, preferably a black belt.
-Special Forces training and combat experience also desired.

Preferablly homosexual, or atleast bi and looking for a little more than just a job. But remember, I’m in charge, and you’ll take it that like the bitch you are.

I want a man that is rough and tough and can save the day, but later on in the day lay in bed and cuddle with me and be compasionate.

http://allentown.craigslist.org/trp/1794166122.html

Over the last 3 years, I have offered to help women get pregnant, exclusively through artificial insemination, and many have successfully had children, using my sperm. I offer this at no cost, including an artificial insemination kit, simply because I find it to be one of the most profoundly meaningful uses of my time.

I am 5′ 10″, Caucasian, with black hair and brown eyes, in good shape, and disease-free. My main genetic advantages are my extremely high IQ and that living past 90 seems to run in my family. Additionally, conceiving with the sperm of a male in his early twenties significantly decreases the chances of miscarriages, premature births, autism, schizophrenia, and even the likelihood of a grown daughter to get breast cancer and a grown son to get prostate cancer (Google “paternal age effect”).

It really makes me happy to help people in such a meaningful way, so please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions, or if you would like to meet.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/m4w/1801159479.html

Insult Comic needed for Comedy Event:
For an event scheduled the San Fernando Valley for August 28th [Saturday] from 7 to midnight. We are looking for a comic well versed in general insults and racial comedy.

Position Description:
The position will require you to dress as a clown in “Black Face” [All races welcome] while delivering random derogatory remarks towards black people while you walk from table to table in a nightclub setting. You are expected to take on the persona of a “seriously racist and angry clown”. You will also hand crudely fashioned balloon animals while telling vulgar mother and father jokes to the attendees. You will be closely followed and guarded by a camera crew during your performance. You are expected to be WAY OVER THE TOP and outrageous. This role is generally lots of fun, imagine a job where you can tell off the customers – this is your chance !

The event will be for the Jiggaboo Jones release of the “Compton Cookout DVD” which sparked a racial firestorm on the Campus of UCSD earlier this year. Major media outlets will be in attendance. You may be required to talk to media during the event, must be comfortable with talking to the press, celebrities and members of the general public. For more information visit: jiggaboojones.com

Your audition, training, performance and public statements will be included on the DVD featurette and can include full credit in IMDB [upon request].
This event rewards you with free food, alcohol & $200 CASH for a total of 4 hours of your time.
Interested persons only send email to get complete details.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/tlg/1756326952.html,

You SERIOUSLY, with a straight face, typed that you wanted someone to edit your novel for $25……

Bud, you take the Craigslist idiot cake. You really do. I have seen some pretty low lowball ads in here, but you just took it to a whole ‘nother level of low.

WTF? I mean it. What the hell is in your crack pipe?

Tell you what. Why don’t you hike your ass over here paint my house for $45. The whole thing, front yard to back yard. two stories. Don’t forget the garage.

No, better yet. Hope about you rebuild my Explorer transmission for $62.

Or, can you replace all the pluming in my house for $87.46

And then, when you are done, I’ll edit your fucking novel for $25.

You people… I swear…

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1422107947.html

Date: 2009-10-14, 8:49PM PDT

I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you.

-Matt

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/1290743016.html

Had a rat problems and solved it by using the rat poison. The rats died somewhere in my bedroom wall and I can’t find it but I can smell it it is not too good. I need some body who has experience finding where in wall the dead rats is and then taking them out it without breaking the walls. Maybe some guy who is poor they are more likely to have experience with the rats. Im not really able to pay too much for this would treat you to McDonald’s it is close to my home. Besides, this is good experience for you if you are in the business. I would be willing to tell all your other customers what a great job you did with my rat. You could give them my cell number and as soon as my phone gets turned back on it would be like you have free advertising. I dispertly need some guys help right away cause my girlfriend won’t sleep over anymore till I get rid of the smell and cleanup other things around my home and get a job soon. She used to go out with my brother and Im scared she will go back with him cause he don’t have rats in his house. Dont worry if I dont answer you right away cause Im using my friends computer I dont have one. Give me your number and ill call you back and tell you where the house is. Thanks.

• Location: Milwaukee
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

Date: 2009-09-09, 12:33AM CDT

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mil/1365314322.html

i need someone to hide easter eggs in my apt when i am not there ! they are small and filled with candy ! i would like to find them myself on sunday ! i am willing to pay ! serious inquiries only !

jason+

• Location: franklin tn

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1112090632.html

Date: 2009-04-07, 7:25PM CDT

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

• Location: DC, MD, VA

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1126876415.html

Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT