I know that you were outrageously pissed at me today when I cut you off at the off ramp in Rancho Cucamonga. I was feeling confident listening to “Forgot About Dre” when I glanced in my mirror and I made the determination that I had plenty of space to merge over to the left lane. It was a costly mistake, as I assume you had to slam on the brakes to avoid an accident (thank you, btw). You weren’t shy about expressing your emotions about my minor mistake. You switched lanes and pulled up next to me to flip me off and scream at me through your (rolled-up) window. Even when I turned down my radio, I couldn’t hear what you were saying – probably cursing I would assume. In the future, if someone does that to you, roll down the window and really let them have it.
In an ironic turn of events, I was on my way to take my driving exam, (because a friend said it was easier in Rancho Cucamonga). Well if you see this- you win. I am a bad driver….I didn’t get my driver’s license. I just thought you should know that I won’t be sharing the road with you again for quite some time. Good day to you sir.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/com/1811403793.html

Smokin’ hot, 56 year old banker seeks meaningful connection with intelligent and engaging arm candy. I’m looking for a cultured woman who enjoys foreign travel, attending social galas and long walks on the beach. Extra points if you’re an experienced crisis communications specialist with a background in CEO reputation management. A firm ass is also appreciated.
Can’t wait to hear from you!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/1703289281.html

How do I know you’re out there?

Let’s begin with that ad of mine that you recently responded to, shall we? You know the one I’m talking about. It was entitled,  Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me? m4w–22 That ad ran for three days before I got a response, and I can’t tell you, Mom, how my heart fell when I saw the photo that accompanied the response. It was your Realtor’s headshot, the one on your business card. Even worse was the text of your response. I’m so, so sorry I know now what you’d do to me if we ever hooked up.  On the other hand, Dad must’ve been a very, very lucky guy back in the day. I dunno, maybe he still is.

I guess, Mom, when I think a bit about it, that I should resign myself to whatever it is that you are doing. After all, you’re an adult and I’m an adult. I can’t tell you what you should do with your life.

But Mom, I’d like to raise a few points.

The first point I’d like to raise is that you’re still married to Dad. Please, please PLEASE tell me that you have his blessing. My mind is reeling now, hoping that you’re not the people who posted  Fun Couple Looking For Others MW4MW57 I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that it is you. Now that I know you’re cruising CE, I suspect that there aren’t too many other 57 year old swingers from the Westlake area posting on Craigslist.

The second point I’d like to raise is that you owe it to whoever you’re trying to hook up with to be honest. I mean, I lived with you and Dad for 18 years. You’re not that fun.

Finally, I’d like you to stop responding to my College Stud Needs a MILF m4w22 ads. The only one who should find you to be MILF-y at all is Dad. For me, you are just an “M”. Got it?

Your son.

PS. I’m going to swing by at around 7-7:30-ish to do a load of wash, is that okay? I tried to call you at the office, but they kept telling me that you’re busy.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/603080295.html,

my place..weight lifting…spotter…not a gym rat here but certainly trying to stay in shape ….prefer somone around my age …decent shape…slim to med build…any race…3 to 4 days a week…please send pic and stats if interested in light workouts

We were hitting it off at first and even shared a New Years kiss. You were pretty hot and had a sexy accent. I would have gone home with you (hey, it’s new years!) had you not turned out to be such an obnoxious creep. I don’t know how it works in Ireland, but here are a few tips for us in Canada.

1. The way to a girls heart is not to ask her if she is a lesbian simply because she doesn’t enjoy your stumbly smelly drunk friend trying to grind with her when she is completely sober and there is no one else dancing.
2. The way to a girls heart is not to point out your hard-on to her every five seconds. Yes, I know it’s there and yes it’s mildly flattering. But we don’t need to keep talking about it. Maybe you could have offered to buy me a drink or tell me I was pretty.
3. The way to a get a girl to come home with you is not to angrily storm into coat check, pushing over the rack of coats, cutting in front of a huge line of people and loudly demanding “THIS CHICKS COAT RIGHT NOW PLEASE BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING TO TAKE CARE OF KNOW WHAT I MEAN OI?”
4. And…when I was taking care of my friend who was puking….it was so nice to have you there beside us in the alley, staring at us and asking me if “she was done yet” when I clearly already told you that you had blown your chances and that I was going to stay with my friend. Thanks for coming back multiple times and staring at us from around the corner when you thought we weren’t looking. That’s class right there.
5. Coming up to me later and yelling “IM GONNA FUCK YOUR FACE” was also much appreciated, the cherry on top of an otherwise excellent night!!!!11

The sad thing is the jerk who this is meant for probably won’t see this ad and will continue sexually harrassing women during his stay in our country, but maybe someone else could use the pointers.
Regardless, I had a pretty good time on NYE. It was nice to go out and spend it in the company of my best friend even though she was sick. You know who you are, love you!

Date: 2010-01-01

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1533217064.html

Just looking for a girl to diaper me. If youve always wanted to be in charge and diaper me. I just want to look the best for you in any style diaper and perhaps turn it into a long term relationships. Reply if serious and interestedif you respond please put I wanna diaper you in the subject line.

Date Posted: 2-22-2010

Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel,
I have a proposal.

For several days after you stole my 26-rear wheel from my mountain bike, you caused me a dilemma. All I could think of were two options.
1) Buy a new rear wheel – This hardly seemed worthwhile because my bike only cost $25 from Goodwill when I got it and a new back wheel/tire will cost two to three times that much.
2) Buy a used wheel from the Ashby Flea market – We all know this is where stolen wheels go to find new homes. (In fact, I have searched here for my wheel to no avail.) While this option is cheap ($10), it would feel like I am benefiting from someone else’s misfortune. (Probably because I would be benefiting from someone else’s misfortune).

But then I had a brilliant idea.

Rather than buying a new wheel or a used wheel stolen from someone else, why don’t you sell me back my own wheel. I can pay you the $10 you would have made and then I can save the time and stress of finding a new wheel. If it makes a difference, I could even pay you in alcohol or whatever drug habit you were trying to feed.

We can even meet on the same corner where you took my wheel and make it feel all natural. You can walk by and say, “Hey buddy, I notice that your bike seems to be missing a rear wheel. Well, it just so happens I have an extra rear wheel right here with me. Would you like it?” And I can say, “You’re right, kind sir. I am missing a rear wheel. That is very nice of you. It just so happens that I have $10 worth of alcohol, that I was going to use drown my sorrow about not having a bicycle wheel. But now that I have a bicycle wheel, I don’t need it. Why don’t you take it.” And then we can both feel good about ourselves.

Please let me know if this works for you.

Sincerely
Josh

UPDATE – Thanks for all the nice emails. And especially thanks to Jess who dropped off a replacement rear wheel!!!!!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1281876918.html

Date: 2009-07-21, 2:25PM PDT

Everywhere I go, I scan my surroundings and wonder if someone is secretly plotting a CL missed connection post for me. “We locked eyes briefly at the Dollar Store as you were picking out those heavy flow maxi-pads. You smiled at me so innocently. If this is you tell me what I was wearing”

Nothing.

I drive down the interstate and look in all the cars and then come home to check CL to see if anyone missed a connection with the “Sexy dark haired girl in the toyota going towards the MMBT on 664, you eyeballed me and picked your nose. I want to take you out.”

Still nothing.

I get up every day, shower, get dressed and go out just so someone can miss a connection and look for me on CL.

Don’t approach me in public. I’m waiting for you here.

Date: 2008-11-15, 2:56PM EST

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/920438509.html

come join us and make it a threesome



Date: 2009-01-06, 11:57PM AKST

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/983394945.html

So, you’ve got a great job, a house, a car. Your friends are encouraging and supportive. Your family adores you. Dogs, cats, and children flock to you.

But, you’re just missing that little something. You just need a little more flavor. Something to keep you on your toes.

I’ve met your type before and I know just what you need.

I can provide you with a ration of anxiety attacks, sleep disturbances, and newfound paranoia. I am also willing to upset the most solid of friendships, anger your mother, and challenge your ability to keep your job. I can convince you that you are responsible for my well-being and, despite the havoc I leave in my wake, you will be inexplicably attracted to me.

I’m sure you’re wondering how I will accomplish this feat. That is not important. My undeniable sex appeal, charm, and natural talent for mayhem will not fail.

What you should be asking is why. Why would you want this? Well, you’ll be the first to admit that your comfortable life is getting quite dull. Once our courtship ensues you will have a renewed appreciation for the ho-hum. You’ll catch glimpses of the life you once had…casual drinks after work, football on Sundays, barbeques in the summertime…and though you’ll long for those days, you will feel wounded, crippled, unable to crawl back to that time. Eventually, though, I will feel you’ve had enough. I will leave you helpless, friendless, and so accustomed to my insatiable sex drive that you will continue to be isolated, frightened, and incapacitated in my absence. A ghost from your past life will find you, just before you turn to hard drugs to soothe your scarred psyche, and will nurse you back to emotional health.

This journey, this voyage will create a lifetime of unwavering appreciation for all of the things you had once thought to be dull. Food will taste better. Laughter will be more joyful. Warm human contact will be orgasmic. Plus, you will have an abundance of interesting stories to share with your loved ones. This experience may even lead to a new career as a motivational speaker.

Why am I willing to offer this life changing experience?

Well, frankly, I really need a good back rub right now.

Date: 2009-01-08, 9:02PM MST

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/985781557.html