Dear Neighbor,

Why do you insist upon mowing your fucking lawn at 8 AM? At least once a week I wake up to hear your lawnmower revving away right outside my fucking window. Your whole lawn is shaded by your house and that huge tree, so I have to hear you stall the thing at least 12 times. Here’s an idea…. WAIT UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LAWN IS DRY BEFORE YOU MOW IT!!!!!!!!! I get home from work at 4 AM only to awaken hours later to the sound of a weedwacker coming from next door. Closing the windows doesn’t help. Putting the pillow over my head doesn’t work. You could probably hear your mower in space.

Your lawn looks like ass anyway. Why even mow the damn thing? The potted plants you bought in May are still sitting, unplanted of course, in their original resting place, which appears to be a framed horseshoe pit in the center of your yard. There are a couple of oversized, azure synthetic drums out there that accent the always stylish, black rubber indoor/outdoor mats that tastefully adorn your back porch. For the love of God! The place looks like it belongs in Gummo. The only thing missing is a trailer, four screaming brats, a car up on cinder blocks and a couple mangy animals. If I had enough Round-Up, I would turn the thing into a sandlot myself to save you the trouble when you finally come to your senses and make the switch.

I can’t stand you. I can’t stand your lawnmower. I can’t stand your shitty old man tattoo that looks like a vulture from afar. I can’t stand the way you push around your stalling lawnmower over your wet grass while wearing Jack Daniels pajama pants at 8 in the morning. The last thing I need to see after four hours of sleep is some random old guy next door mowing his lawn without underwear.

I detest you. If I had a dog, I would let it into your lawn to shit.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1315255760.html

Hey boys – ’tis the season for lawn mowing and new love. These are the only two things missing in my life.

First order of the business: the lawn. Our small front lawn, and largish back lawn have grown out of control after all the rain we have had as of late. It’s about 1.5 feet tall, and growing taller by the second. We are four lovely ladies lacking a lawn mower. This is where you come in.

Second order of business: you and me. I’m a sexy young 20 something lady offering a date (my treat) in exchange for a mowed lawn. We will also offer homemade baked goods to sweeten the deal.

However this lawn may be more than you can handle alone. For this reason, my sultry single roommate has graciously agreed to offer the same deal for your friend who helps you out with the task. Let’s go on a double date! You are also welcome to mow the lawn on your own, and pick a lucky friend to come on the date.

Who knows, maybe one date could turn into two (lawn mowing optional *wink wink*)

Serious inquiries only, we need this lawn mowed, BYOLawnMower!!!

No photos of your weedwhacker please.

Date: 2009-05-20, 10:45PM PDT

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1181466826.html

Hi im a 20 year old single white female. 5′11 blonde haird and fair complextion. Im offering to be a seragant mom. Im already a single mother to one and this will give me a chance to get things together for myself. I loved being pregnante.
So if interested or want to know more email me thanks

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cae/1168235746.html

Date: 2009-05-12, 11:48PM EDT

replies
deleting texts
alerting of new texts
reading texts
filtering text

I get 40 – 50 texts an hour, I cant handle my workload plus texting responsibilities. My phone gets too full and needs deleted every couple hours. This is a full time position and you must be where ever I am at, because my phone is always with me. Serious inquiries only.

• Location: Baltimore
• Compensation: 10.00 hr

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1236773288.html

Date: 2009-06-23, 11:39PM EDT

Skilled botanist seeks medical marijuana patients. Rhode Island law has been recently loosened to allow for legal growing of marijuana for suffering patients by up to two named caregivers. To date over 500 patients have registered and over 300 caregivers are licensed to grow medical marijuana for their patients. I am a botanist, skilled in organic methods, with an interest in entering the field of caregivers. If you are suffering from any condition that causes chronic pain or wasting syndrome, including but not limited to cancer, Hepatitis C, AIDS (or HIV positive), or a condition that causes ticking, including but not limited to Parkinson’s disease, you may legally seek a recommendation from your doctor to try medical marijuana.

Marijuana is the wonder drug for cancer and AIDS, as it relieves pain, increases appetite, and grants a temporary respite from depression, coupled with mild circulatory stimulation and a desire to get back out into the world and enjoy life. The FDA has recommended its legalization nationwide, which previous federal administrations have chosen to ignore. The current administration, however, has recently vowed not interfere with any state medical marijuana program, leaving you as a patient and me as a caregiver free to exercise our freedom and not fear any prosecution under any court. It is safe, legal, and may just help to turn your life around. Marijuana need not be delivered through unhealthy smoke inhalation, but also through vaporization (inhalation of water vapor infused only with the active chemical), or ingestion of tasty treats, leaving your health decisions in your own hands.

If you are already a registered patient with only one caregiver, please contact me. I am confident in my skills and will happily pay for the registration fee to add another caregiver and subsequently supply a free sample and continued services if you desire. If you are not a registered patient, but are suffering from chronic pain, wasting syndrome, or ticking, please consider talking to your doctor about medical marijuana, and contact me for supply if you wish to give it a go.

Cheers!

A friendly Rhode Island botanist.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/prv/1153622688.html

Date: 2009-05-04, 10:58AM

left handed vintage air guitar for free all thats needed is new strings and a good dusting.

Date: 2007-09-11, 5:09PM PDT

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/oxr/420076567.html

slightly used but good condition. must be willing to pick up. handsome varnish finish. will take 3 to 4 people to move. bought at garage sale and never put to use. airtight. had been using for produce storage but just taking up space now. will go to first person who can pick it up.

Originally Posted: 2008-05-08, 2:05PM EDT

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/jax/672975065.html

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Hi all,

Well, my house is being taken over by rats. Really big rats. Smart too. We’ve set a few live traps, but they keep escaping them while making off with whatever goody that we’ve used to lure them. I hate to kill them, they’re almost like part of the family… well not really but they are pretty cute, in a

So what I need is a large, rat eating sort of feline to borrow for about a week. Now I don’t want to keep the cat, so no underhanded hey you can use my cat, and then I never see you again sort of crap… a week should be all I need.
If you have one I can borrow, please email me… thanks!

Date: 2009-01-07, 1:15PM EST

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/yng/983788628.html

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